Christians, Intimacy and Sex

In an effort to clarify my own thoughts as I prepare to preach on this topic this coming Sunday, I thought I would write about some current trends on the subject of sex and intimacy.

Now there is one thing that we humans do very well - have a lot of sex. Good thing too because it keeps us at least following one command of God - 'be fruitful and multiply'. The real clash usually always comes as to in what place sex has within Christianity.

You do not have to look to far and you will find some anti-Christian or atheist blaming Christians for all the anti-sex stuff out there or that we were the ones responsible for making sex boring.

Truth be told there are and have been a lot well meaning Christians who have spoiled sex at different times. Notable among them are St. Augustine and Holiness Groups.

When we all get to heaven we need to go up to St. Augustine (if he is there) and kick him right between the legs. If he hadn't been such a dog in his life before his conversion, he probably wouldn't have had such a negative attitude about sex afterwards. The guy loved sex and connected it to HIS sin so much that after he converted he pretty much said all sex was bad except for procreation (and then you better not lust after your spouse) and that if your intention wasn't to have children then you should abstain. His exaltation of celibacy was received too well and that is why priests in the Catholic church are required to be celibate today. This despite Paul saying several times that overseers (church leaders) should be married (1st Timothy and Titus).

The Holiness Movement of our own country does not really say sex is bad but they insinuate it so much that it creates the impression that it is bad even after marriage. What I mean is when I was growing up in church, the remaining holiness influence had this message about sex: "Don't do it until you married - it's bad." Now this created some interesting tests of faith. I remember overhearing a father of a recently married woman relating a story about how his daughter had confronted him: "The way you acted about sex dad, I thought it was something I had to endure, but you know I found out it is pretty fun." The father wondered where she got the idea that sex was bad.

I can tell you - 'more is caught than taught' when it comes to the intimacy / sex question in marriage and your children. How intimate were you and your wife while they were growing up? If you never touched one another, kissed or 'sported' in front of your kids, they might have gotten the impression that that stuff was dirty for married people. Not good, because it creates the impression that when your a Christian you are not going to have any fun while your married. Is it any wonder some kids bail on Christianity, it is perceived as a drag or sexually unfulfilling. This will become particularly pronounced if also do not talk about sex beyond the: 'don't till your married' line. It is OK to tell you kids sex is fun. It is also OK to tell them that outside of marriage sex will not be as fulfilling as inside a marriage.

Notice, I did not say the Puritans. While it is true that the Puritans did put on an outward show of righteousness and piety, inside the bedroom of a married Puritan couple it could get quite steamy. We know this from several letters that were sent between husbands and wives that were recovered. Simply put, they are both erotic and at times pornographic. No, the Puritans get a lot of unnecessary grief on this. They simply felt the sex was the playground for the married.

So Biblically what is intimacy. 1) It means to be one-flesh -- the two made one. Intimacy is both the state and process of two people becoming one entity. 2) It is to be naked and possess a total openness to one another that is spiritual, mental, emotional and physical. I simply do not understand people who think they can be intimate with someone and not have intimacy on all these levels. Settling for anything else is simply second best and less than ideal. 3) It means to be unashamed. You know I find it very odd when Christian married couples blush about the fact they are intimate. Is that not the way it is holy and good (Hebrews 13:4)? If something is holy and good there is no need to blush over it. It needs to be celebrated.

So then sex is the ultimate expression of intimacy between a couple. It is as much a spiritual act as it is a physical one. It is the joining of two people to produce life. Spiritual life for themselves as a couple and it has the added possibility of creating another human life under the right conditions. The reality is that the spiritual will take place far more than the physical, because most of the time sex is simply about the pleasure of being one flesh.

Given the fact that the second leading cause for divorce is infidelity, you would think that Christians could trumpet the simple fact that intimacy and sex are the greatest defense against it. Instead we usually say: 'don't be unfaithful'. Do you ever notice how negative our message always is about this? Paul's response to infidelity and sexual sin in 1st Corinthians 7:1-9 was far different: 1) Be Married, 2) Fulfil your duty to each other - in short make love and make love often even if you do not necessarily feel like it -- he uses the word 'duty' for a reason, 3) Give you body to your spouse - it belongs to them, not you. 4) Do not deprive each other from sex unless you both agree to it as a time of fasting and prayer, 5) It is better to be married and do this than burn with lust. Paul's message is ultimately positive. Married people should be engaged in intimacy and sex as often a possible as one defense against infidelity and lust.

This of course brings up the challenge of intimacy and sex. That of making love and having sex in fresh and exciting ways.

For men there needs to be a recognition of where true sexual fulfilment comes from. I have never understood the guy who thinks he has great sexual prowess because he can have sex with a bunch of women. It does not impress me. The real challenge of intimacy and sex for a man is to truly be intimate with one woman and satisfy her on all levels for life. That is far harder to achieve than to learn a few tricks that allow you to play the field. It is simply much harder to reach a woman both emotionally and physically for her whole life.

For women, the challenge is even greater in some respects. Men are driven spiritually by their need for sex and women are not always in the mood for it while the man usually always is. There is the additional problem for many Christian women I encounter; in that, they play the morally superior card when it comes to their need for emotional intimacy over a man's need for sex. Truth is neither one is better or worse than the other. A man's need for sex is no worse morally than a woman's need for emotional intimacy. They are two sides of the same coin and both need to be fulfilled. The real issue for women is to remember that as a man is denied fulfillment in the area of sex, he gets hungry and the more hungry he gets the weaker he gets about it. As a man's spouse, a wife is supposed to be his satisfaction for this hunger. The more a wife delays in this though, the more a man will be tempted to fulfil this hunger in a way outside of her. There are other factors of course but this is the basic problem men have. Their sex drive does not shut off, it is always in standby mode at the very least.

When intimacy and sex are both fulfilling in a couple, the one great thing that happens is that both are more confident and happy about their lives. Ed Young was onto something when he suggested 7 days of sex to his married couples. The results is a couple that are both healthier and happier in their marriage.

Right now, the main thing Christians need to do is to speak positively about sex in the confines of marriage. Even more importantly, they need to live a life of intimacy and sexual fulfillment as an example to others. No good talking about a good thing if your not benefiting from it yourself. That would just make you a hypocrite.