The Five Continuing Conversations of Long Term Reationships -- Part 5 -- Sex

Probably up till now you have been saying -- "I have heard all this before" Your probably right as these are common topics of relationships building mentors and gurus. Sex in a Christian context a continuing conversation might be a little different.


One thing I get here is -- "Your talking after marriage right?" No I mean before marriage sex needs to be talked about. Too many times I see Christian young people acting on sex before marriage instead of talking about it. If they talk more and act less they might make it to their wedding day with their virginity still intact. My Biblical test case is the Song of Solomon.

I plan on writing on the Song of Solomon in the near future, but my view, in short, is that the book has nothing to do with Christ and His Church and the relationship between them. Sorry, this is an erotic poem about two lovers who can't wait until the night they wed to consummate their marriage. It is God's answer to the Kama Sutra.

That said, there is a discussion here of sexual activity before the two come together and the end of the book emphasizes the fact the bride was a virgin. If you talk about sex before marriage it simply makes it easier to talk about it after marriage.

What should be discussed.
1. Christian Boundaries -- Hebrews 13:4 gives a lot of liberty in sex but it must be stressed, as I once read somewhere, it also has a boundary to it -- marriage. Once there though, it should be stressed that even then there are boundaries -- no body else but the two of you -- one male. one female for life (strange I have to say that).
2. Personal Boundaries -- Lets just say that some things may be uncomfortable for you or your future or current spouse. Respect these things. Some people are never comfortable making love with strangers or certain family members in the house, certain sexual activities might be uncomfortable or, at first, embarrassing. That said, it should also be noted that it is unfair to be comfortable with something done to you but you refuse to do it back. Boundaries cut both ways.
3. What will you do about children when they come and how will that effect you love life? This was a big one for me and my wife when my kids were say 6 to 13 -- old enough to understand and act if something is out of the ordinary but not old enough to get it. It takes some careful planning and patience when you have kids. It also helps to have lock on your doors. Getting a babysitter to take them to the babysitters house while you have a romantic evening is a good idea. Be creative and take advantage of any time there is time.
4. Parents -- this one has come up for me at times, in fact right away for me and my wife because for the first two months before heading to Trinity we lived with my folks. My wife was uncomfortable at times with the thought of sex with all of us in the same house. My dad also had a way of making lite of the subject so eventually she could laugh about it -- a little. One fact should be mentioned even though your married and your parents are close -- call before going over. Parents still have sex long after the kids leave. I know that's gross to you, but don't ruin it by being rude. It may be the reason your parents are miffed at you.
5. Talk about when your tempted to sin in this area. Why? because you are supposed to be each others defence against such things. It can also lead to some interesting things in the bedroom. See 1 Corinthians 7:1-5.

Things change in the sexual areas as you grow closer and live together longer so keep talking. This is one where as you become more intimate you will open up more to each other. It also starts with talking about it early and keep talking.
Finis

The Five Continuing Conversations of Long Term Reationships -- Part 4 -- In Laws

Ah Family. It is always wonderful to have a good loving family, but there is also something to be said for the leave and cleave aspects of marriage and relationships. How much input each side of the family gets on the relationship needs to be discussed and how that will play out over time.

1. How much input into your relationship will your parents have and how much do you want them to have? At what point would you consider them meddling with your life as a couple?

2. How much time are you going to spend with family? You know it gets really tiring if a spouse comes home and their partner is not there and it happens all the time. You married the person you did and they should be the chief person in your life.

3. In what ways would you accept help from family? This is important all you life so keep on top of it. The one benefit of having a good family is support, but at what point is it going to make you a slave to the other person. What support will you give family members? How will you take care of your aging parents?

4. What family baggage does each person have? Is one from a two parent home and the other a child of divorce? It makes a difference trust me and it does not go away.

Family is always gong to be their so be prepared to discuss it and keep discussing it.

Next --Sex

The Five Continuing Conversations of Long Term Reationships -- Part 3 -- Finances

Money is one of the two biggest causes of fights in a marriage that can lead to divorce. Most couples have no common understanding of financial planning or philosophy. Agreement is critical on this issue.

1. Debt -- you should agree not to have any, but the reason you should have this conversation before you get married is -- if you are committed to being a Dave Ramsey -- "live like no one else so you can live like no one else" -- person and you future spouse is not -- YOU ARE GOING TO FIGHT. It will happen. Better convince the other person to be debt free before you tie the knot or it will be a problem.

2. Budgeting -- If you want to know what a person feels is important look at where they spend their money. Give the person you love a test question -- "If you had X dollars how would you spend it" will tell you a lot -- toys or future, poverty mind or prosperity mind. It will tell you if a person is responsible with money or a person who does not really care.

3. Work -- Career choices are important and both sides should be respected. If one person wants to stay near home and the other want to work abroad their could be a problem. Finding s way to mess your occupations and career aspirations is lifelong process that requires changes on a regular basis.

Once your married, the conversations continue because the financial situation of a couple is constantly changing. Get a plan and stick to it but don't be afraid to change the tactics as this situation changes.

Next -- In Laws

The Five Continuing Conversations of Long Term Reationships -- Part 2 -- Children

Solomon wrote a Psalm -- Psalm 127 in which he states: "Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate. " Being that he had 700 wives and 300 concubines at the end I wonder how blessed he was? I don't even want to know what the logistics of that big a family should they all have produced at least one child would be. The thought on the production of the children in the first place with one man and 1000 women is enough to boggle the mind.

In any case if your headed to marriage one of the purposes of marriage is to produce and raise children. Any long term relationship that is going to have marriage at its end needs to talk about them.

There are a few issues that need to be discussed and continue to be discussed.

1. How many children do you want? Now in this day and age it is possible to choose if you are a believer in birth control, a subject we will take up in a few seconds. it can be very annoying to one half of the relationship if one of you wants twelve kids and the other only wants one. There are also some who figure it is God's choice how many kids you have, but then again sex is required which requires the couple to engage in it. If momma says I don't want any more and dad decided to leave in the hands of God then momma may just decide that sex is no longer in the cards. This will cause conflict. See why this discussion has to continue until both agree it is time to stop?

2. How are the children to be disciplined and who is going to do it? This one is important because if you don't have agreement about how the children will be brought up you are going to have fights of your own. It is also important that both parents do the discipline and respect the discipline of the other parent when it is done. There is nothing more annoying than to punish a child and then have the other spouse rescind it or not back it up. Both better be involved -- it is not fair for one spouse to always be the disciplinarian either -- take turns.

3. Birth Control? If your thinking about marriage you better know ahead of time if your going to use birth control or not. If the future momma is expecting to and the future dad doesn't believe in it your going to have a problem. The theology you have may be important on this issue and you better get into agreement. The continuing part involves when you have had the number of children you both want -- now what? -- who is going to do some thing permanent or are you going to wait using non-permanent solutions in case you change your mind?

4. Once the children leave the home and get married themsleves what are you going to do and how involved will you be?

In all cases agreement is important and as the situation changes you need to keep talking.

Next -- Finances

The Five Continuing Conversations of Long Term Reationships -- Part 1 -- Religion

Weddings are wonderful things but I sometimes wonder if people understand the real issues involved in a long term relationship. I say long term relationship because my belief is a couple should be starting these conversations if they think they might be heading to something longer than a couple dates. The moment your thinking "I could be serious about this person" you should start having these conversations and they should last through dating, engagement and into marriage and beyond. The reason --these areas will be either strengths of a relationship or weaknesses based on whether or not you talk about them.

I do very few weddings because I still maintain traditional understandings of engagement and marriage and don't compromise on them. If your not into these understandings just head to the justice of the peace or magistrate or whatever and get married, don't call me because I am not going to bless a marriage God will not. To think God is going to bless something that hasn't been entered into in the way he prescribes is just silly.

1. I won't marry people who are living together -- 'but were not having sex." Then you won't mind moving out will you? Don't con me, the only reason a couple lives together is sex. It is about Eros love, so don't' lie to me please. One of you move out and commit yourself to refrain from sex until the wedding date and come back to me.
2. I don't marry people who have been divorced for unbiblical reasons -- a) Marital unfaithfulness and b) if the unbelieving spouse wanted the divorce.
3. I don't marry people unless they have had counseling and if they get it from me its a nine session process. Part of that process is these five continuing conversations.

The first conversation is religion -- if you don't have religious compatibility it is not going to work. Many problems result from this -- morals, ethics, child rearing, etc. Any issue involving what faith you have and your central core values is an issue of religion.
1. Suffice it to say Christians should not be marrying non Christians. Sorry it is going to lead to major problems and violates the principle of not being unequally yoked.
2. Christians that marry each other should at length discuss the differences between their beliefs and consider what implications that will have on their lives together.
3. Which church will you go to together? Sorry I think when one spouse goes one way and the other goes another it is bad business. It is important for any future children that they go where their parents go together. Church should be a family affair.
4. One note on politics -- for some people politics is their religion -- this is particularly true of secular liberals.
5. The significance of marriage being a picture of Christ and His church needs to be reflected on and acted on.

Once these issues are decided their needs to be a discussion on faith in the relationship for the rest of life:
1. Devotions together are important.
2. Talking about spiritual troubles and testimonies together is a great way to grow together so talk about your walk with God often both as individuals and as a couple.
3. Discussing how faith and the Bible should be applied to life is important.

Next: Part 2 -- Children