Sexuality, the Church and America -- Part 4 -- Friends with Fringe Benefits

I first heard the term 'friends with fringe benefits' back about ten years ago but it seems to have gained steam over the years. The term basically refers to a couple or other situation that people are not considering any long term relationship but are willing to have casual sex. In my ministry, I have encountered several couples who had this sort of relationship. 'Were just friends' but then a long passionate kiss or comment later and it is clear that the friendship is more than platonic. It is a sexual friendship with no expectation that it will be anything other than that.

Casual sex is making a comeback of sorts. The sexual revolution of the 70s was big but the AIDS issue of the 80s slowed things down a bit. Recently though it seems it is getting larger again, probably do to the fact of increasingly open sexual education, a topic of mine for an earlier post, but for now lets deal with the existence of casual sex and who it affects. Well, just about everybody. Since I have turned forty, my e-mail has had no less than three spam type e-mails inviting me to join sites that for all practical purposes are not about relationships but casual sex. Also my advertising that gets place in front of me while I am getting my e-mail has much the same thing in the sidebar from time to time. Don't think this is odd, I hear it happens to everybody because the assumption is that once you hit mid life you want to take chances and do something different and one of the areas this happens most often is sex.

Why is this dangerous? Because it assumes that sex is purely a physical act for fun with no other possible consequences other than pregnancy (which can be avoided through birth control) or a STD (avoided through condom use). These two issues aside, the fact is there is something going on here that goes larger than just the physical.

What exactly happens when a couple has sexual intercourse? The Bible describes this in a couple of ways:
1. 'Knowing' -- Adam knew his wife.... -- more than just sex it is a knowing of the other person in a way you cannot know someone without sex. From personal experience I can tell you there are things I know about my wife's spirit, emotions, mind and body that no one else knows because I have had sex with her and she with me. These things no one else will every know unless we violate our marriage covenant. Which I have no plans on doing, of course, but such a violation causes such knowledge to leak out to others who have no business knowing what we know, should it take place.
2. Becoming one flesh. The union of husband and wife is called this but Paul also uses this term do describe the actions of a man and and a harlot -- 1 Corinthians 6:12-20 (verses 15-16 in particular).

Looking at sexual intercourse theologically this means that something happens every time sexual intercourse takes place that is a knowing of the other person on all levels that binds a person to the other and makes them one flesh. When sin is committed in sex, it usually involves not respecting this union and the spiritual and mental/emotional side of it as well.

This is why the Law of Moses prescribed automatic marriage for couples caught in fornication. 'Dad I'm pregnant and Jake is the father" had automatic consequences -- the man and woman were married immediately and the man lost his option to divorce the girl. (I wonder what would happen if we enforced that one today?). The union was assumed and sex is what caused it to happen.

Paul comments directly on this in relationship to fornication (in his case fornication was the casual sex involved in pagan rites of worship) and makes the following points in 1 Corinthians 6:
1. The body is for the Lord
2. God has raised us up by His power
3. Our bodies are thus members of Christ
4. If we join in fornication with someone we are making the body of Christ joined with that person in fornication -- in his case he says by doing this a person was making the body of Christ a member with a harlot.
5. Regardless if there is a marriage covenant or not, sexual intercourse makes two people one in the spirit as well as flesh.
6. Fornication is a sin against a person's own body for we are joined to Christ
7. Our body is the temple of the holy Spirit we should treat it accordingly.
8. Because we have been bought with a price, including our bodies, we should glorify the Lord in our bodies.

Now, lets get back to this friends with fringe benefits thing. The fact is that when you and you friend have sex you are joining yourself to at all levels (spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically). This has an affect on all these areas because once you come apart from each other and go different ways you will never be the same because you know the other person in a way others do not on all levels. That is until you or they have sex with someone else. Regardless of what you think is happening this is what the Bible says is happening. Our society and culture may have changed, but the Word of God has not. This why, no matter what people may say about it, people are unhappy about their casual sexual relationships over time. Because there you are 'knowing' someone intimately but forcing yourself to deny it. It is this denial that something is wrong and our effective treating each other as objects for sexual gratification that cause this -- SIN.

Now I have no problem with the idea that sex is fun and should be fun. What I have a problem with is that you can have fun with sex without commitment in marriage without spiritual and other consequences before yourself and God and your relationship to him will suffer for it. When you first treat the person as a person by committing yourself to them for life in marriage and then explore the fun of sex, then the 'knowing' gained can be shared in complete confidence and trust.

For the Christian there can be no such thing as 'friends with fringe benefits'. The church therefore must take an active stand against such relationships in any way it can without being a bunch of moral judges that condemn people. This sin is pardonable and once true salvation enters, then and only then does the law of God really come in force. My personal stance has always been to tell such couples to forget me marrying them and just head to the justice of the peace, magistrate or whatever and get the piece of paper. You are already married just let the law know it.

IMHO

Next: Polygamy

The Book of Revelation -- Part 2 -- The Blessing of Understanding

Verse three of chapter one contains an often overlooked beatitude that involves people who can understand this book of prophecy. Specifically, those who read it, hears it and heeds it. This brings up several points to consider:

1. The people who read this prophecy could receive a blessing from reading it. It was not designed to cause fear but bring blessing.
2. To read or hear the prophecy brought about the possibility of the blessing of revelation.
3. It is the heeding of the prophecy that brings about the blessing.
4. There is also a final line that speaks volumes -- 'the time is near' which indicates expedience.

The fact is that Revelation had a blessing to it; if you take the time to find it. For me this is a wonderful find because I have always avoided this book other that to read it on occasion. Now there is something to strive to discover. To heed these words leads to a blessings. The real question is how to heed and understand it?

Next: The Message to the Seven Churches

Church Antagonism -- Part 7 -- Recovering from Antagonism -- Church

Churches suffer in antagonism. During and antagonistic bought you will see people leave, rarely will people stay if they visit. Those that get to the end survive and ultimately have to face the future. There is a long list of things the church and individuals should not do after antagonism has been defeated:
1. Don't stop ministry for a rest period. Many people in both my churches who had been under the gun and then suddenly the problem went away did this. Ministry is a lot like prayer and other things that provide spiritual growth and healing, when you stop doing it you lose that avenue for growth and healing.
2. Don't take a break from the vision of the church. The vision God has given the leadership for you church actually can be your saving grace. What it does is allows you focus on something other than the hurt at least for a little while and if done with the Spirit can bring to your church the one thing that is needed above all else -- new people.
3. Don't sweep the thing under the rug and move on. I know that this seems to contradict the two above but to think you can just dump the soul crushing pain of conflict gone bad and move on is not wise. There must be a plan to rebuild relationships and hearts.
4. Become defensive. Many people after surviving antagonism decided to build a bunch of walls and systems to keep it from happening again. The real thing is not to prevent this by defensive measures but offensive. To make sure people are prepared to DO what is right in the face of these things, not just shield themselves.

Some things that do need to be done: (now, these are mine from a long process of thinking on how to get people in a church past antagonism to life)
1. Establish small groups -- not just any small groups, but ones that hold people accountable for their spiritual walk and prayer together. If I could I would make it mandatory for every member to be a part of it. Why? To reestablish relationships and recover from damage. Like it or not people are hurting and they need an outlet to be prayed for and ministered to.
2. Develop a proactive and health approach to dealing with conflict. Conflict is normal and teaching Biblical principles on conflict resolution is very helpful. When you can teach people to focus on the issue at hand rather than the persons involved you have done your church a great service. Leadership needs to model this at all levels.
3. Never let an issue simmer -- deal with it as an issue and get a resolution on it especially if someone gets angry. To many times we let the devil wedge in his agenda through unresolved issues or anger.
4. Be prepared to counsel on all areas -- things happen and like ministers people do a lot of things to cope and often they are sinful and destructive. Be prepared to open your heart to whatever counseling is needed to help these people.

FINIS

Sexuality, the Church and America -- Part 3 -- Homosexual Marriage

Isn't it interesting how sometimes things come together that you didn't expect or look for? Like my post for today and the decision yesterday to allow active and practicing homosexuals to be ordained in the Evangelical Lutheran Church (ELC). I really wonder how they can claim to be Evangelical (there is little conservative evangelicalism in this decision) or Lutheran (Can we really see Martin Luther advocating homosexuals in the pulpit), but then again nothing surprises me these days.

There is absolutely no Biblical basis to say homosexuality is justified by God. In fact, quite the opposite is true. God looks at homosexuality as one of the great sins. Right up their with adultery and rape. Homosexuality is listed by multiple Biblical authors as a sin that will destroy you covenant with God both in the Old and New Testaments. Yet here we are not only fighting about homosexual marriage but whether or not to let such people in the pulpit to preach the Word they are violating.

Now, I want something understood, I consider adultery to be just as bad and I have a fit where many denominations have rehab stuff for ministers caught in infidelity but not in homosexuality. Both are equally abhorrent to God. It is only in our minds that we make one above the other. In the Law of Moses both were punishable by death along with rape, murder and sorcery. (Not fornication, couples caught in 'trouble' are simply required to get married with no option for divorce) The reason I say this is I know many churches where homosexuals are forbidden to attend but people in adultery are openly allowed to go. Sorry, double standard. Sexual sin is sexual sin.

Now, in our relationship with the world I think we need to realize not everyone is a Christian and we can't go around legislating morality or in the end homosexual marriage. The battle is not over on this but I believe it will end with some states having homosexual rights. California surprised me. but don't think that is forever. Just means California gays will probably take their case to a higher court which is what they have been looking for in the first place. What we will see is gays immigrating to states that allow them their wishes. Ultimately legislation solves nothing, if people want to engage in sin, they will do so whether it is legal or not. Only the gospel and the changed life through its acceptance stops homosexuality, adultery or any other sin. This gospel is very difficult to preach to someone if they look at you as an enemy political force or trying to take away their rights.

Homosexual marriage has some implications to other things normally seen in this issue.

1. If the homosexuals get their way, what other marriage situations will suddenly petition to have equal rights: polygamy (subject of another post in this series) -- which might include one man with multiple women or *gasp* a woman with multiple men and group marriages of all types (One form is 'line marriage' with men and women sharing each other -- say three men and four women -- the combinations are endless -- for the purpose creating and raising children -- a la Robert A. Heinlein's views in his science fiction) and open marriages. Or is it open if hubby is dating his perspective fourth wife? Yipe, this gets confusing doesn't it
2. Homosexual and other marriage situations listed above in the church. (I think it might be very interesting for some guy to come into my church and introduce me to his wives!)

The church's response will be interesting because as you can see in some churches like the ELC they accept such things and it makes no difference to many of them if your homosexual or polygamist (See the Mormons in certain places). But what about those good ole boy conservative Evangelicals?
1. We will take the morally superior position and blast people for their lack of moral fortitude that we obviously possess and they don't.
2. We will enter the halls of government as moral crusaders trying to fix every body's bad morality and make things right.
3. When we fail, (and we will fail -- we have been failing with this tactic for over fifty years) we will advocate isolation and casting out with no hope of reconciliation. Creating our own Christian enclaves shut off from the world Jesus loves but is lost in sin.

Not good, but then again it is what we do, even if it hasn't ever ultimately worked. What might work is never done, because we are always looking for someone to blame for the fall of morality in the United States and the real answer is not them, but us. We stopped making change about the gospel and instead left it to the courts and legislatures. We really don't believe in the power of the Holy Spirit or the gospel anymore, if we did we would use them more for this and other situations.

Next: Friends with Fringe Benefits

The Book of Revelation -- Part 1 -- The First Line May Tell All.

"The Revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave to Him to show His bond-servants, the things which must soon take place; ..."

There is something about the actual written title of a book that usually tells something about its contents. There is something too this in this book called Revelation

1. This book is ultimately, first and foremost, designed to reveal Jesus Christ. The future is a secondary and simply the place in which Jesus will reveal himself, but it is the revelation of Christ itself that the book says is central to its contents.

2. This book was given to anyone who calls himself a bond-servant of Christ. This makes it have a universal application to anyone who wants Christ revealed to them in the now.

3. Jesus promises to reveal himself in the future and it is in this revelation that Christ will show more of himself.

What is not stated here is that the contents of the book are a revealing of seven year time period called by evangelicals the Tribulation or the Millennium that follows. What it does say is about what 'things which must soon take place'. 'Soon' is a very relative word. 'Soon' to who? The book already looks at time in a relative way right out the gate. What's to make us think the whole time frame of the book is not also relative. Some thing taking place quickly and then huge gaps of time between other events. It also opens up the possibility that some of the contents may be very symbolic with nothing to do with time at all. They may just reveal a greater understanding about Jesus Christ.

Next: The Blessing of Understanding

Church Antagonism -- Part 6 -- Recovering From Antagonism -- The Minister and His Family

I wouldn't be writing this article if people did a better job of following Matthew 18:15-18 in the first place because then a lot of antagonistic situations would be dealt with with good solid confrontation and redemption. But as it is we do things in a more political correct model of non-offensive action that solves nothing or the minister and or others think the Christian thing to do is nothing and the result is sinful situations that hurts people. Because of these things antagonism goes the wrong way and victims are left in its wake. Most notably, the minister and his family get hit hard in most cases.


Now, if a minister is caught in an affair or some other sin, there are at least one hundred resources to draw on to rehab the minister and his family. Counsel, financial resources, job support and other things are available to such a minister. The fact is that there are very few resources available to ministers who are victims of antagonistic churches and situations. If I had the money I would work to change it, but being antagonism has almost ruined me financially twice, I appeal to others to change this. The few resources that are available are expensive (something most minsters cannot afford in these situations) or limited to dealing with the recovery phase of counseling not the crisis phase itself.


When a minister is under the gun the most important thing he needs is constructive counsel. The 'be warmed and filled, we will pray for you' counsel I received from the leadership of my denomination was not helpful. It did very little to help the situation and to be blunt, it violated Scripture in several instances. The fact is one of the most helpful things denominations could provide to ministers -- counseling centers -- is often not there. Denominations in many cases do not think of keeping and developing ministers through problems - -they just try to get things to be good and spend money on the gospel and others things. Let's get real though, antagonism happens and the victims deserve better than what they get. Just because denominations want to think happy thoughts does not mean it always happens.


If a pastor is forced out of a church. There are many needs. Chiefly, how is a minister going to support his family. For myself, I spent almost two years unemployed because in both cases jobs were scarce. This is why in the second case I asked for 90 days severance. I got an argument instead about whether or not they should charge me rent. Here they were kicking me out of my home (the parsonage), my job (being a minister) and my church, and they were complaining about having to give me some money to get by for a while, as I looked for a job and on top of it all wanted to charge me rent. I have been a strong advocate now for years because of this, that if a minister should receive 90 days severance if removed for any reason. Sin is one thing, but personal conflict should not be the cause a man to loose his ability to take care of his family. If you really want to say 'this is for the best' then pay for it. If it really isn't personal, then pay for it. It may cause some people to think twice if getting rid of the pastor is going to cost their church something. The irony of the situation at my second church was they wanted me out of town, but because they choked off my financial resources I didn't have the means to leave.


Losing a church HURTS. I can't describe how angry it makes you feel. Pastoring is a large risk on an emotional, mental and spiritual level. Congregations that understand this are a blessing to a pastor. There is usually nothing physically demanding about pastoring (work days and painting the church aside) but the emotions get very much involved. You care about people and love them, and then when they basically kick you to the curb -- it hurts. During my two years recovery I have had only the counsel of friends and family to get me through, but many of those simply do not understand. Recovery would take less time if there was a good counselor at your side who understands but more often than not -- no such counselor exists for pastors and families that go through antagonistic church situations. Need counseling is necessary in a lot of areas:
1. Career -- What do I do now?
2. Marriage -- Sorry stress produces stress and often marriages are the thing that suffers.
3. Children -- Do not think the pastor's kids are immune to hurt? I have one some who wants nothing to do with conventional church and another who seems to have no faith at all. They have made their own decisions about this but part of the thing that drove them away was how people treated them as pastor's kids --as if being a pastor's kid puts a special halo around your head or something.
4. Financial -- As detailed above.
5. Addiction -- Some things pastors and family members do to 'feel' better when under the gun are addictive and destructive.

If you are a victim of antagonism find what you can but one thing is for sure you might have trouble. If you ever need someone to e-mail contact me.

Next -- Recovering from Antagonism -- Church Recovery.

The Prosperity Gospel Considered by Solomon

I haven't really be giving a pulpit report from my preaching because I have been writing a book on the subject of Ecclesiastes but one thought that struck me about today's sermon on chapter 5:10-20 was how it stood in stark contrast to the prosperity gospel. It was actually a thought that came to me after I had finished speaking but there are several points I think Solomon would make to the prosperity preachers that would make their view look foolish:

1. That those who love abundance and the increase of wealth are engaged in vanity
2. When goods increase, those who consume them increase
3. That a good night's sleep is better than riches.
4. Riches can be horded to a person's hurt.
5. In the end we come into this world naked and we will return the same so the accumulation of anything is chasing after the wind.
6. The good and fitting thing is to be joyful over what God has given you regardless of economic status and to enjoy it in peace.

I guess I would believe the prosperity gospel more, if there were not so many warnings about becoming rich and setting your heart on riches IN SCRIPTURE. In this case Solomon warns that setting one's heart of riches robs you of the ultimate prosperity -- love, joy and peace. You can be rich and have these things but if riches steal them, then better not to be rich.

As a minister I find the prosperity gospel to be more the product of the current materialism of the Western World than an honest consideration of Scripture. The prosperity gospel gives Christians a justification to acquire and hoard goods in the name of Christ. Some of the fruit I have seen is old ladies giving up their social security checks to these preachers (the majority of funding for these guys and gals comes from this source), people buying things on credit believing God will supply the funds to pay for them and stinginess to the local church because the minister wouldn't preach this false gospel (no lie, I had one couple tell me that if I didn't start preaching it they would stop tithing). These false teaches seem to be doing well these days but I think many of their followers put themselves in a position of real poverty to support them. I find the whole lot of these preachers a little distasteful.

Solomon at least recognized, despite his great riches (think Bill Gates on steroids), that that was not what gave life meaning or significance. It was the ability to enjoy God's gifts in peace of heart and mind. That is something you can take with you through death to Christ's side.